Oh, the holidays. The damned holidays. They come around each year. And each year I worry about what the hell may happen. It’s always like a stick of dynamite sitting, just waiting to be lit. This year had the potential to be the biggest explosion of all. This year we had my know it all, lilly livered liberal mom, as well as Mr. “Todd”, who is a retired State Trooper who struck pure fear into adults and teen drivers alike during his career. I was there too. After handing off the turkey and fruit salad to “Bibi” (well, that is really her name, but…) the first thought I had was truly, “Dear God, please, please, please, do not let momma start talking politics and ruin my chance to eat dressing and pumpkin cheesecake. Please. Amen.” Because when it comes to dressing and cheesecake, I’ll sit through a GOP/NRA convention for hours, hell, I may give a speech. Because, PUMPKIN CHEESECAKE!
We were well into eating, when my cousin and I started homing in on the dining room table conversation. I was expecting to hear something about the President/Congress/Cuba/Jeb Bush’s 2016 plans. Which would be fine, but…….it is my family, and Mr. Todd was there. This would not have ended well.
What I caught of the conversation was this: “derived from Alien DNA (indecipherable blabbering) “Big heads” (more things that got muffled out because my girlfriend was asking me something I already answered, I’m sure) “found a skull” (more mumble), then the kicker pieces, “had the technology……Egyptians…..pyramids…..linked DNA…..cavemen…..working with the Egyptians…… created and put us here”.
“What in the actual fuck?” you may be thinking. Well, what I put together was that the Egyptians were working with Aliens, because how else did they have the technology to make those pyramids? Then aliens used their DNA to assist the ancient humans in creating “us” I guess? Well……I guess it beat politics. At least this was believable.
However, I have always been of the mindset that one should not disrespect the person who’s home you are in. Like, don’t ask the Greensboro Baptist Church preacher man how he feels about gay marriage if you’re in his home. Or, never ask the former Marine in your office if she has PTSD when she’s giving you a ride home. And don’t ask Mr. Todd what he thinks about Ferguson regardless of who the fuck’s home y’all are in.
Our host is a Christian. And by that I mean a CHRISTIAN. As in, she did NOT come from no fucking alien DNA. My cousin leans in and says, “You notice momma ain’t saying nothing.” I agreed and noted that Miss “Betty” wasn’t either. MY mother however was very much into the conversation. As was her sister as well as Mr. “Jerry” and Miss “Callie”.
Eventually, BiBi came over to and asked us what we were laughing at, and I said, “Alien DNA”. My cousin asked her if she spawned from Alien DNA, and she said, “Nope.” and kept on smiling. That is one lady, you will never see storming the capitol in a “catholic warrior” t shirt and vandalizing anything. (Google “Florida Capitol Satanic display vandalized” for more on that).
By our standards, this Christmas was very palatable. No politics, no drama, lots of laughter. At least at my table. Excellent food, and best of all, pumpkin cheesecake. I found out a few hours ago though that the conversation moved on to Bigfoot and Ghost Hunters after our departure. Just more evidence that if folks can’t agree on some stuff, they can find other stuff to disagree about, while eating pumpkin cheesecake.