I just read Andrew O’Hagan’s blog post on giving up drinking in the 12/7 NYT Magazine, and felt as though I had stumbled across the lost Library of Alexandria. The man said everything that I have felt for the past four months and five days. Everything I have been looking for, as far as my little issue, was found in one simple blog post.
He laments the fact that he is having to learn to socialize without the alcohol, that certain friends do not know how to socialize without it, thus leaving him standing around holding a ginger ale in a whisky tumbler or holding onto a beverage for a few moments and setting it down soon after. Other friends can’t imagine sitting down to a meal without a drink. Yet others opt for the shame texts that read, in no small part basically, “You are a loser”. This, for not participating in after-party debauchery they so well enjoy.
I miss debauchery. I don’t miss the headaches, dehydration, money spent, and having to scroll through my phone to see who I’d texted, called, or Facebook bullied during my festivities. Suffice it to say, that even though I am a fun drunkard, for the most part, I have on occasion shown every fucking inch of my ass while under the influence. I’ve shown it whilst sober as well, but I am at my absolutely, amazingly, wonderfully, worst while wasted.
But, I’d be lying if I said I didn’t miss drinking, because I truly do. I love beer. I love to try new beer. To sample various flavors, microbrews, imports, and anything domestic that is billed as comparable to “the good stuff”. Hell, I like Natty Lite while working in the yard! It’s like my first love, the one I can’t move past, that I don’t know how to function without.
Some people at my AA meeting last week were talking about being lonely. I’m not. That is not an issue that I have. I like alone time. I love it. What I don’t like, is not knowing what to do with myself. Not that I want to do anything with anyone else, I just want to know what to do with my fucking self.
The way I see it is really simple. I’ll either figure it out, or my first love will give me another chance to redeem myself and see if I can act right. Although a very wise, dear, friend says that you should, “Never go back to old jobs or old girlfriends”. We shall see if this applies to true love as well.